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Bordello of Blood

Bordello of Blood
reviewed by Greta Christina

So there's this bordello, see, only it's in a mortuary, a mortuary by day and a bordello by night, and to get into the bordello you have to crawl into a coffin and get slid like a Disneyland ride through this fiery crematorium chute (sex -- death; death -- sex; get it?), and it's run by vampires, big-haired, big-breasted female vampires who give you blowjobs and then suck your blood and rip your heart out and eat it, and the head vampire is Lilith (Angie Everhart), the oldest and most powerful vampire in the world (a little confused on the mythology there, but we won't worry about that too much), and Lilith is the one who gets to eat most of the hearts 'cuz she's the boss, and most of the guys she just kills and rips their hearts out but some of them she transforms into her undead love-slaves of the night...

...and there's this sweet pretty upstanding Christian blonde chick, Katherine (Erika Eleniak), and she has this nasty unruly heavy-metal brother Caleb (Corey Feldman -- oh, how the mighty teen-idol has fallen) who yells at his sister and goes out looking for trouble and finds the bordello and gets his dick sucked by this chick with three nipples, all of them pierced (that was kinda cool, actually), and then Lilith comes along and finishes him off, so to speak...

...and even though it's a bordello nobody ever mentions money, of course the vampire hookers don't want money anyway, they just want blood and human hearts and the eternal damnation of the souls of their customers, but the guys never ask how much it is for a blowjob (and have you ever noticed that in porno movies about hookers, like the New Wave Hookers movies, you never see money exchanged, and is that some sort of weird legal thing or what)...

...so anyway, Caleb disappears, and his sister goes looking for him but the police can't help 'cuz there are too many missing persons cases in the town all of a sudden and her brother is just going to have to be patient and wait his turn like everyone else, so she hires this sleazy disreputable private detective, Rafe Guttman (Dennis Miller, of Saturday Night Live fame) to find him, 'cuz Rafe happens to be hanging out in the police station when she's there and of course you always find the best P.I.'s hanging out in the police station trolling for a little action...

...so Rafe goes to the mortuary and sneaks around and gets sent through the Pirates of the Caribbean coffin-ride into the bordello, and there's this bleach-blonde vampire dominatrix in a baby-blue polyester nightie who tries to dominate Rafe and kind of flails a whip around at him ineffectually and says things like, "You must worship me, worm," but he tricks her and ties her to the whipping rack instead 'cuz she's too stupid to figure out what he's doing until it's too late...

...and then Lilith sees Rafe and thinks he smells good or something and decides he is a one-in-a-million sleazy private detective guy and the mortal dude of her dreams and she must have him by her side for her very own personal undead permanent love-slave, but Rafe is too smart to fall into her clutches, and besides he has the hots for the blonde Christian shikseh and keeps trying to get into her pants...

...and then there's this fundamentalist TV preacher, Reverend Current (Chris Sarandon -- didn't he used to have a career once upon a time?), that Katherine works for and hero-worships, and he's a total typical sleazeball hypocrite TV evangelist, in fact he's the one who was responsible for getting Lilith dug out from her undead burial ground in Tierra de Fuego and bringing her back to Anytown in the first place, 'cuz he wanted her to kill off all the immoral, un-Christian, lustful, hooker-seeking guys...

...but then the Reverend sees the error of his ways and realizes he's unleashed a monster (duh!), so he turns into a good guy after all and decides to help Rafe and Katherine destroy Lilith, and Rafe and the Reverend (sounds like a sitcom, doesn't it?) kill off the mortuary hookers by squirting them with Super Soakers filled with holy water, and the hookers dissolve and burst into flames and walk around with legs but no torsos and stuff, and one of the vampire hookers goes for Rafe's neck but sees that he has something around his neck and thinks it's a cross and draws back in horror but it turns out to be a Star of David so she goes for his neck after all but he gets away anyway somehow, no help from the Star of David...

...and then Lilith captures Katherine and does a lezzie number on her, but Rafe and the Reverend save her from Lilith's dreadful lezzie clutches (or do they? he he he he he), and then the Reverend gets his throat cut but before he dies he tells Katherine and Rafe to go on his TV station and tell the world about the rampaging lezzie dominatrix hooker vampire women, and then there's this big confrontation at the Reverend's church/TV station where (warning -- ending giveaway) Rafe destroys Lilith by cutting a cross into her heart with a special effects laser beam, so all the rampaging vampire women are destroyed (or are they? he he he he he)...

...and it isn't funny, and it isn't sexy, and it's completely incoherent, and it seems to be aimed at fifteen-year-old boys with the I.Q.'s of paperweights, but since the movie is rated "R" they can't get in without their parents anyway, who if they have the sense God gave geese won't touch this one with a ten-foot cattle prod, not because it's immoral but because it's inane (although there was this ten-year-old kid sitting alone behind me in the theater when I went, sort of hunched down in his seat and doing his best to look completely invisible, and maybe he's who the movie was marketed for but he obviously hadn't bought a ticket, so if it was then it wasn't a very clever marketing strategy, now was it)...

...and I'm sorry, folks, but I can't even begin to analyze this one. There is absolutely no subtext to the movie. Zero, nada, zilch. It's all right there on the glaringly obvious, yet somehow utterly incoherent, greasy, grimy, gopher-gut surface. My apologies. There are some seriously interesting sex movies coming out in the fall, and when they do I'll have some very smart things to say about them. I swear to God. Please don't sic the big-haired vampire women on me.


Copyright 1996 Greta Christina. Originally published in The Spectator.

     

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